Worthy Farm, Unworthy Line-Up? Jealous thoughts on the first Glastonbury 2025 announcement.

The title is harsh - I am riddled with jealousy. As an obsessive-compulsive music listener who has NEVER been to Glastonbury, I always feel the need to slander the line-up in some way or another. Welcome to my annual cathartic calumny.

I’ll admit, even as I begin my defamation of this year’s Glastonbury line-up, I am clutching at straws. In all honesty, I’d give my big toe to be there in the fields … so if anyone’s got a spare press pass knocking around …

My biggest gripe is with the headliners. Let’s start with the nepo-baby tribal chief, Mr Matty Healy. The Friday night pyramid stage finale shall be brought to you by a band who are still in wranglings with the last festival that they played in 2023. Whilst their intentions may have been good, The 1975 are currently being sued by the organisers of Good Vibes Festival in Malaysia for almost £2 million. It was Healy’s ‘passionate embrace’ of the band’s bassist Ross MacDonald, along with his ‘provocative speech’, that landed the Cheshire band in their rather sticky situ’. Homosexual acts are illegal in Malaysia and are punishable by 20 years in prison, which is disgraceful. However, Healy’s breach of contract and attempted on-stage affair led to the entire festival being called off. So, whilst he may have made his point poignantly, he ruined the entire festival in the process. Therefore, naturally, the Eavis family welcome him with open arms.

Healy’s TOOTing leads me onto the Saturday headliner, Neil Young and the Chrome Hearts. Filling up the legend slot that was rumoured to be occupied by Rod Stewart in 2025, Young just couldn’t keep his summer shenanigans to himself. Blabbing about his cancelled Glasto-gig back in January, Neil retracted his statement just days later, confirming, two months before the festival, that he shall be making his way to Worthy Farm come June. Young initially announced on New Year’s Day that he would be withdrawing from the festival as he felt it was under ‘corporate control’. It seems as though he had a gripe with Glastonbury’s partnership with the BBC, claiming the festival is not how he remembers it. Maybe that was just his NYE hangover talking.

Now, whilst I’m well aware I’m ever-so-slightly outside of Neil Young’s key demographic, being born this side of the millennium, I (regrettably) cannot name a single song of his. To exemplify my excruciating lack of knowledge surrounding Young and his discography, I have just deleted a paragraph detailing one of my preferred anecdotes: Gino D’Acampo stealing Neil Young’s guitars in the 90s. A Google search seeking confirmation revealed that it was Paul Young’s property the Italian chef raided, meaning my knowledge of Neil Young is, in fact, less than zero. And I wonder why my press pass is yet to be put in the post.

Olivia Rodrigo is the final act to grace the Pyramid stage in 2025, which I, of course, have found reason to take issue with. I love Our Livvy; she’s an incredibly talented songwriter and a fabulous singer. She deserves every ounce of acclaim that she has received throughout her career so far. However, Rodrigo’s discography is barely plural. With her second album ‘GUTS’ released in 2023, the combined runtime of both of her (commendable) albums is 74 minutes. Olivia, if she kept her chatting to a minimum, could squeeze in every song that she has ever released into her headline slot. I assume she will not. However, I don’t feel as though this should be an option for a Glastonbury headliner.

I appreciate that Glastonbury aims to please the masses by having a wide range of musical offerings, although I get the feeling that they are catering to absolutely no one. Jack of all music tastes and master of none. I’d be surprised if anybody over the age of forty could name multiple songs by the acts sandwiching the legend. OAPs, if you’re reading this, feel free to prove me wrong.

As far as I’m concerned, the headliners are being supported more than ever by their predecessors. It seems to be the OTHER artists making the line-up WORTHY this year, with Loyle Carner, BRIT BRAT Charli XCX, Rod Stewart, Grammy-winning rapper Doechii, autumnal troubadour Noah Kahan and jagged little Alanis Morisette gracing Glasto this summer and validating my envy.

There are a couple of standouts for me that are fuelling my particularly jealous fire this year. RAYE, Wunderhorse, Kneecap and Wolf Alice, to name a few. Given that this is just the first line-up announcement, I’m furiously impressed and clearly handling it honourably. Catch me flying off the nearest motorway bridge when RihRih gets announced!